Attack of the Pregnant Women

One of the perks of being pregnant is getting a seat on the bus/train, right? WRONG!  If you live in the wonderful city of New York, no one gives a damn about your fat ass pregnancy.  My mother was the first to tell me that even into her 8th month, no one gave up their seat on the train.  More recently, one of my friends was pregnant and she also confirmed that very rarely is someone nice enough to actually offer their seat to a pregnant woman.  If you are one of the lucky ones that gets a seat, it is typically from other women who likely experienced pregnancy and know how difficult it can get to stand in those later months.  What I admired about my friend was that she used to march right up to the section in the front of the train car labeled "priority seating" and say, "Ahem, move it!"
Today I had an interesting commute because within two feet of me, there were 3 other pregnant women (I was the only idiot fashionista wearing heels).   At first it was just me and another pregnant woman, who was probably about 5/6 months along.  An elderly lady sitting down was the only one to get up and offer her seat to this woman.  After a few stops, 2 more pregnant women get on (one about 6/7 months along and another probably 8 or even 9).  Of course no one offers them a seat, but one frees up and the less pregnant of the two (who was closer to the seat) was kind enough to give up the seat to the lady that was probably about to give birth in a few hours.
What is the world is coming to when pregnant women are giving up seats to one another based on who is further along?  What a sad city we live in!  Meanwhile, the train cars are filled with young wall street types averting their eyes and pretending not too see the poor pregnant souls who lost their center of gravity along with their hourglass figure.


Gene's Corner:
The Freedom Theory:

The Freedom Theory states that when your wife gets pregnant you will technically be more in control over your actions than during your marriage stage. 

To better understand the Freedom Theory we must first understand the chain of command:

Chain of Command for married couple:  Wife - 85%, Husband - 15%

Chain of Command for married couple with pregnant wife: Fetus - 85%, Wife - 15%, Husband - a smidge greater than 0, but nowhere close to 1

So how is it that a husband is more free when his wife is pregnant?  Simple, the fetus is 50% husband, 50% wife. Therefore, 85% / 2 = 42.5% which is greater than 15% (by a lot).   So now when my wife tells me to vacuum, 42.5% of that decision was made by me.

19 weeks!

Gotta Love Grandma (Part 2)

As I mentioned in my earlier post, my grandma was an OB/GYN in Russia, so she has been my go-to person for all pregnancy related questions.  I recently started to pack on the pounds, so I was slightly concerned because of the strong views my grandma holds regarding weight gain during pregnancy.  Since she has such strong opinions, I assumed it is bad to gain too much weight due to health concerns.  When I asked her to confirm that statement, she just said, "No, fat women just don't look so good. Why would anyone want to be fat!"
This brings me to a recent conversation we had over the phone:

Me: Hi, Grandma! How are you?
Grandma: Good, you?  How are you feeling?
Me: I feel great!  Getting bigger...
Grandma: Oh yeah?
Me: Well, I am 18 weeks and so far I have put on 10 lbs.
Grandma: Hmm, 10 lbs?  Wow
Me: Oh you must be thinking in kilograms.  Ten pounds is only 5 kilograms!!!
Grandma: No, I understood.
Me: Well, that's not a lot!
Grandma: Well, that's not little!
Me: Maybe you don't understand.  Hold on, let me get the exact unit.
(Mom!!!!! 1 kg is 2.2 lbs???)
Me: Ok, grandma, so it's actually only 4.5 kg.  That's all!
Grandma: Ha! Yeah, that's not so little considering the weight gain should only be starting at this point in pregnancy

Crystal Ball

Two weeks left until our big 20 week ultrasound.  I am so excited to find out if we will be having a son or daughter.  According to all my Nostradamus friends, they say, "100% it's a boy."  Where were they when I was playing the lotto?  One friend went as far as to predict the sex of the future children we will be having.  In fact, he said, "You will keep having boys, but the more children you will have, the more likely you will get a girl.  Possibly 3rd child will be a girl.". Sounds like he wants me to compete with Jon and Kate plus 8.  I can see the show now: "Anna and Gene and their Football Team".  All the media outlets will pick it up and their headlines will read, "Woman keeps giving birth to baby boys, final tally: 26".   I will obviously have to write a book about what it is like to raise more than two dozen boys and have to travel in buses everywhere we go.  Gene will be propositioned by young, hot college bimbos, but he will always refuse and the media will crown him as father of the year.  After doing the Oprah show, we will decide that we are now done with all the attention and quietly disappear with the millions we earned from all the appearances (and retire in the south of France).

What Size?

Setting: Furniture shopping  for the new apartment


Saleslady: Are you expecting a baby?
Me: Yes, we are.
Saleslady: Oh, how nice.  When are you due?
Me: Late April.
Saleslady: Oh wow, quite the size you got there!!
Me: (to Gene) Is this *censored* for real? I am going to *censored* punch her in her old lady *censored*.

Train Traffic

One my biggest pet peeves is having someone in my personal space.  Living in NY and having to take the subway during rush hour each day, you can't really avoid someone rubbing up against your thigh, reading their newspaper inches from your face or my personal favorite, the purse/backpack on the head while sitting.   Prior to my pregnancy I was somewhat able to tolerate these small nuisances but lately, my patience has run dry.  Unfortunately, I was never tactful when dealing with these situations and the rage that fills me during these moments perhaps causes me to react somewhat irrationally.  I didn't really give this much thought until the other day when I ran into my friend Lana on the train.  We were both sitting down and chatting about how proud we are to be elite Yelpers when some guy walks in and without looking decides to rest his backpack millimeters (yes, it was so close that I have to use the metric system for emphasis) away from my head.  Like any normal person, I then proceeded to push (with both hands) his backpack as far away from me as possible.  I didn't realize I did anything unusual until I looked over and saw Lana's terrified face.  She scolded me and was visibly frustrated that I didn't learn anything from her Grand Jury stories (apparently some chick got her whole face cut up during a similar train altercation).   In my case, I was pretty sure the gentleman in question couldn't possibly do anything to me since both his hands were busy trying to hold up his pants.  Either way, I think I learned my lesson.   Well, I thought I did, until I had to jam my elbow into the rib cage of the lady sitting next to me trying to nap on my shoulder. 

Gene's corner: 

Gene has been reassigned and he is currently the top contributing editor to ihavebettershittodo.com

17 weeks!

Don't mind the boxes in the back - we're still unpacking.  Here is the first shot of 'the bump'.

Running on Empty

Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Kramer takes a car for a test drive just to see how far he can drive with the gas gauge on empty?  If not, you won't really get this metaphor.  Well, for some strange reason, I am really against buying maternity clothing and my goal is to get away with wearing my long sweaters and the Bella Band for the entire duration of my pregnancy.  Essentially, I want to see how far I can get before I am forced to walk around looking obscene.  At first this wasn't much of a challenge.  I had to wear my pants unbuttoned, but the BBand worked just fine.  Recently, however, I began to notice that I am now unable to zip up my zipper.  This is becoming somewhat of a problem and has caused me to only wear my super long sweaters.  My big concern is that eventually I will be wearing my pants around my knees with a new and improved ultra large BBand (which has yet to be invented).  

Gene's Corner:

"It appears that my body has become accustomed to the high fat content that is in KFC and my weight gain has curbed.  Time to shock it again by eating homemade food and put on another 5 pounds!"

Staying Active!

I had my doctor's appointment this morning and it turned out I barely gained any weight since the last visit (official tally is : +8).  This didn't surprise me too much since our big move (5 and a half blocks) has really kept me moving around 24/7.
For those that know me, (who are we kidding, two people read this blog and clearly they know me) know that I am NOT a big fan of exercise.  So of course, I find it incredibly annoying that being a pregnant woman all you see everywhere is how important it is for us fatties to work out and keep in shape.  You see sites and magazines devoted to healthy and fit pregnant chicks, but the more they try to brainwash me, the more burgers I will be forced to consume.
So you might be wondering, how is it that I haven't ballooned yet?  The answer is simple, my quest for food has me walking around for miles.  Take today for example, I walked for 15 minutes in one direction because I wanted taro bubble tea.  After fulfilling my craving I remembered that a few days ago I passed by a store that said 'Grocery and Deli' that appeared like it was more of a burger joint.  My curiosity forced me to walk another 10 minutes in a different direction only to find out that as always -I was right.  The place just opened up (didn't have time to change their sign) and was actually called Ultimate Burgers and Dogs.  Now that I had hot dogs on my mind, I walked another several blocks to the supermarket to pick up some hot dogs, buns, ketchup and mustard.  The idea that I can now have hot dogs any time I wanted made me so excited that I had to walk home immediately to cook my dog!  Paired with a pickled tomato - delicioso!  Speaking of pickled tomatoes, I had an entire jar in about 24 hours which surely can't be good.

Gene's Corner:
"you suck (pointing at my head), but you cool (pointing at my belly)"

Finally Moved!

OK, so I know it has been a while since I posted, but I have a very legitimate excuse.  We finally moved!  After moving I remembered a piece of advice that I stored in my long term memory after our last move. The advice was: don't ever move again!  Unfortunately, I only remembered this after the fact.  The packing up part wasn't too bad and we took it nice and slow and packed an hour or two each day for about a week.  This was pretty efficient. The actual day of the move was pretty easy for me since I didn't have to carry anything heavy, but walking up and down 4 flights of stairs multiple times did take a toll on my calves.

The part that really sucks is getting to the new place.  Before you actually get to unpack you have to clean the place top to bottom.  Since I am what some call 'anal retentive', this is the toughest part.  Two different cleaning services, $50 of cleaning supplies and 4 used surgical masks later, I still don't think the place is up to par.   Once the place is FINALLY clean enough, I will still have to figure out where all the new stuff will go.  I have started to drop subtle hints that I will be taking the larger master bedroom closet while Gene will be lucky if I keep his stuff in boxes get the slightly smaller but equally valuable second bedroom closet. Since we're on the topic of Gene and closets, I have to vent.  My dear husband has a love of the wire hangers you get after you dry clean your clothes. All of his clothes hang on these nasty, anorexic looking hangers.  He says he likes them because they are very practical but I think this goes back to his compulsive hoarding.  Not only are they hideous but our house is full of beautiful thick wood hangers that are laying around not being utilized.  My project this week will be to throw out every wire hanger and secretly replace them with quality hangers.  Luckily he does not read this blog, but if he did, I guarantee you that he would not let me get away with this.  Will keep everyone posted on the outcome...

In pregnancy news: I am almost 16 weeks, which is 4 months in pregnancy lingo, but actually 3 months based on the more widely accepted Gregorian Calendar. I feel GREAT!  In fact, I feel exactly like my old self - sarcastic with a hint of bitter.  My stomach has been slowly making its debut, leaving me with only two shirts I can wear to work.  While I did tell my boss, I will be waiting another few weeks to tell the rest of the marketing team.  Speaking of 'breaking the news', what does that conversation go like?  With most of my friends I was just able to say, "Guess what? I am knocked up."  I am not sure this would work with co-workers.  Maybe I won't say anything and just let them notice on their own.

Gene's Corner:
"Arguing with your pregnant wife is like playing the lotto.  There's a one in a million chance you're going to win"